I remember. I remember every taint of scars on that day. Even till now, there is a little hook angling on my heart. I remember.
It is just a super crazy day. Well, just business as usual. Everyday is madness. What's different today is the harping from my boss. She's just constantly hunting down on me to get her work done. What doesn't do justice is that I am supposed to get her stuffs done, but I have yet to plan out the work next week, in which I am leading. I was even lectured that I am supposed to work on stuffs given by everyone else immediately. Okay. Now, so where am I in this picture? I know, stuffs that I do falls under the category of "That's your stuffs". No wonder no one talks about teamwork. It's better that you die rather than me. Sad นะ. Sad to see how selfish people is.
Well, I was determined to finish as much as I can. To get rid of those "That's your stuffs" stuffs, I just don't want to screw up my own things. I know, I will then be subjected under heavy scrutiny if I drop balls, balls under my care.
Super tried on my way home. Just plain exhausted, emotionally tired. I just got so sick of the shits thrown at me. I even told Sujin, I'll just wipe it down if shits were thrown to me. I guess I needed more tissue paper. Somehow, somewhere, I recalled what had happened 2 years ago.
"Stop, stop all your Sands work. Handover." That was Thursday. Some shits were about to make known to the client the next day, and that Thursday was my second last day of work in that company. I was at ease after hearing that harsh statement, in a way I did felt apologetic. I even had a silly thought of apologizing to him. But going by the way how they'd had done on me, I think that's not much needed. I remember the agonizing moment that Wednesday evening to Friday afternoon.
"We'd rather have someone else than him.", "We can do without him.". Not the exact phrasing, but it's along the line. I was actually smiling when hearing that, and still smiling now. Not a evil smile, but a smile of empathy. For someone to say that, it must had been very difficult. And to help them do away this pain, is to go away. Go far far away, and to disappear in their eyes. Thankfully, Paran is over joyed on Friday. That has probably meant the end of his pain.
I read again G's email. It was bitter toned. Not as harsh as the words uttered by him. It did bought me back to a reality check, as what the email mentioned.
I take this scar with me, to remember what bitter taste like, to remember what human nature is, to remember feelings - feelings for others, to remember to check on ego, to remember ugliness of a person is the person's colour - there is nothing as ugly as our self.
I remember. And I remember well. จำได้ จำได้.
The first checkpoint, that is to renewal my passport. I've got it done today.
And so, the passport will expire in 05 Nov 2020. What will really happen from now to 2020. Will it be really what I'd planned? Or something else.
So what is the meaning of the first checkpoint. The meaning of it is that, I'm halfway to my final checkpoint. Heck, I am so far away from my goal. When, when will I start to be really serious. Sigh. Well, the passport renewal is done. One step at a time, ain't it?
I wasn't really thinking too much in the entire trip to the embassy. Partly, because I am sort of immune to this kind of feeling, feeling of looking at the past. It has been 5 years since graduation, 5 years of work life here. And what have I really achieved. Seems nothing, but just enjoying myself. To be dead honest, many at times I always remind myself on my failures. This helps to bring down my ego. 5 years gone, what is the next 5 years to come. I do have it planned. But to go there seems difficult. Anyway, let's try ya!
The next checkpoint is in next year April. That is to renew my PR, terminate my mobile plan. And I think I will be ready for Thailand.
I have just realized that I am pretty much a Lone Ranger. Kinda sad... But it's alright, life is indeed meant to be so.
Come to think of it. Yea... It was the supposedly wedding in Vietnam. I was just wondering why. Why. Why. Well, we are not that close either. That explains, maybe. I wasn't thinking straight when I came to know that their wedding was on the same day as my trip to Vietnam. And what a surprise to me! I texted them and even ask for their address, thinking I might be a able to catch up with them. Sigh, I should have quick witted that I wasn't informed. Shouldn't have the thought to crash someone's wedding. Luckily, I didn't.
Ever since I'm done with buddhism studies, I have plenty of free time. Too much free time for silly thought Huh. Haha. Little did I realize that I am indeed a lone ranger. Yes, you were right, mr ex-boss. And I am glad to be so ( In a way). I am all to myself, do whatever I like, go wherever I wanna go. I'm pretty much a free man, no strings attached.
Sometimes, looking at those facebook post do gives me a sight of a heave. Yea, it's all the cool pics, best gift, top dining place, awesome food, great company... And.. I have none of those. Pretty sad huh. All I had in my facebook was some silly photos taken abroad. Great company. Hey, look.. I don't have any. My great companies are me, myself, and myself. Well, let's not forget the BPC folks. But I do like the company of a cosy night, moonlight shinning onto my bed, quiet peaceful night. That's all I enjoy. How I wish to go back to Wat Pah Nanachat. I love that every night. Sitting meditatively on a thin blanket, overseeing the monastery toilet, a lighted candle in faint moonlight night, darkness and chill all around. How enjoyable. :)
或者 轉折漸太多 遺忘怎擁抱你
能修補即管修補 不要再想 再一刻人便缺氧
如果 將對白說得平和 不加諷刺
如能重修好一雙 不要再想 再一刻人便缺氧
如能重修好一雙 不要再想 再一刻誰亦要退下場
多得你在場 多得我在場 天空也在場
I woke up early for the trip with Hansen. I'd booked a day trip with Michael Hansen. It turned out to be a real good trip.
I arrived early at the meeting point, and I headed to a nearby temple. Uncle Quek recommended this temple as a must-go. This is very old temple. I can't remember the name. It's somewhere near Diamond Hill MTR station. An anicent temple built many years back. This is a very chinese influnced temple, chinese by means that the nine dragon king. It did had some Zen elements in it. Hard to tell.
Anyway, I met Hansen with a few more ang mohs in the group. I was quite excited to go to where we planned - Sai Kung, but I was curious to know whether I could get along well with all the ang mohs. Haha...Michael was a really nice guy. He was a Danish. All of the ang mohs were Europens. They were cool, just that they liked to tease me with Singlish, and the broken English like 'out-station'. Hey, I am not an English, and it's presumptious that I can speak like you.
I shall let the pictures say it all. Just simply breathtaking.
We had tea break and lunch in Sai Kung. The scenary was just too beautiful, I didn't struck on any long conversations with them as the entire trip was so enjoyable. Love the chill, love the sunshine and everything there. We had a small incident. One of the lady had her foot scraped with rocky seabed. One of the speedboat taker asked whether we would want to take the speedboat instead. And off we cruised back to Sai Kung town. Along the way, I saw the most beautiful mountain I ever seen. The surface of the mountain underwent a dramatic scalping by the strong wind. It was beautiful.
I parted Micheal and the rest of the group members. I walked around Sai Kung town, and get myself changed at the Sai Kung football stadium wash room. It was supposed to be a very beautiful evening, but I was underclothed. Haiz... I left Sai Kung and headed to the city area to the bustling Wong Kok.
Arrived at Wong Kok MTR, I can sense the pulse of the Hong Kong economics beats. It's the dollar sign. It's everywhere. Everyone is trying to get any penny from you. Hahha... I walked past a few restaurant to hunt for my dinner. It was gruesome to see the loads of meats hanging or laying in the puddle of boiling soup. I had no idea what was boiling soup, but it didn't smell good. It spoilt my appetite. In the end, I had a KFC meal takeaway, and some street food.
Convertium was left on the plane, it didn't touched on Hong Kong. It didn't. I was feeling the chilly weather. In a sudden, I was back in reality. A bolt of joy, jumped and yelped. I'M IN HONG KONG!
Oh my, I under-packed. The temperature was just over 10 degree celsius. It was freaking chilly. I thought I did checked the climate of Hong Kong. And how on earth did I packed for summer wear in Hong Kong's winter season. Oh my.
I was greeted by the rather splashes of the old Hong Kong sight as the bus I boarded went along the outskirt of the city. I reached Admiralty station which is in the Hong Kong island. Everything look way too familiar, though the last time in Hong Kong was like 25 years back. I like the old building structure around Admiralty station. I think it did went through some retrofits, but the heritage flavour remains.
I waited for the shuttle bus to the hotel. As I stood there, a couple asked me whether I was waiting for some buses. I responded naturally in my native dialect. I felt immediately at home. I felt very comfortable conversing in Cantonese, but I was cautious that the Cantonese that I spoke varies quite differently than the Hong Kongers.
The bus came, and I hoped on the bus. The hotel is on top of a hill, somewhere in Mid Levels - high class area I supposed. I was a little disappointed when they offered me a room at the forth floor. I expected to be higher for a better view. Hey, I paid $500 for 2 nights.
After getting myself ready for the day, I was shocked to see that all my clothings I bought along were totally out of fashion. Oh man! I can't walk out the door with summer wear. It's dead winter in Hong Kong. Argh. I scrambled my way to the nearest retail clothing shop. Ching Ching, 100 bucks gone for a sweater. But well, it kept me warm for the entire journey.
The night was uneventful. I was pretty tired. To be honest, I wasn't really prepared for this trip. A walk around the Financial Area, and I brought an expensive chicken pie and a Latte as my very late tea break. I sat on the bench along the Hong Kong island bay area overlooking the mainland. I like the see breaze. I was all calm and collected after the brouhaha in me long gone. It recalled the old Hong Kong that I used to know. Hong Kong is like mix of old memories with new discoveries, new makings. I like everything here except for the outnumbered mainland chinese tourist. Argh. There were just too many of them.
I hopped on the bus ride to Hill Top. I was really really tired by then. I dozed off on the trip up and down. Had another expensive Vietnamese dinner before returning hotel. Surprisingly, the food here were quite expensive.
It was still all over me the last night before I depart for the trip. It was supposed to be a enjoyable fun trip, but my mind was kept to what had just happened to me. I tried to stay happy, and be forgetful. I can't. I even brought my happy food. The KFC meal. Didn't work. I tried to meditate. No, didn't work either. What made things worst was Johnny's text. Oh my, he caught me in the wee hours. I couldn't sleep at all. We were talking about his employment contract. He must be feeling bad about it. I'm sorry for that, it was really beyond me.
I was awoke by the alarm. It was 3am. I was too tired for not having enough sleep. I was back on my slumber till 4. Disgusted that I couldn't get enough rest, I prepared myself for the 6.30am morning flight to Hong Kong. I was still in a state of shock. Argh.
On the cab ride to the airport, Wanxin messaged in Whatapp. And we started a very long conversation about the entire freaking fiasco. The conversation ended when the flight was about to take off. I was telling myself to chill-out and just enjoy the expensive taxi ride. It turned out that it wasn't that expensive. 15 bucks, if i'm not wrong.
But it's kinda cool to have somebody to talk to for a solo trip. I had never that busy texting with someone from the journey to airport to getting my butt on the seat of the aircraft. I was paying much attention to the already crowded early morning Changi. The airport was so busy, so many people.
On board the aircraft, I was too tired. I didn't had a good sleep. My mind was all over the fiasco, the conversation with Wanxin. Took my book out, and get my focus to read. I can't honestly. I had a pre-ordered meal. I didn't know that it comes with 2 drinks. Good deal! I chose chicken rice as the meal. It was delicious. Steaming hot. And I had it with a hot green tea. Double heat for the chilly cabin. Another round of green tea made me much more awake.
But still, my mind was locked to the fiasco. Gosh, for how long more I will be locked. 3 hours in the flight, I had yet to thrash whatever happened away. As the aircraft geared for landing, I started to feel a bit of excitement. Right after I stepped out of the aircraft, gazing over the blue sea ocean next to the tarmac. I realized that whatever had happened to me stayed in the aircraft. I was free.
This must be mad. The last day of work went very smoothly. Got a shock that Nancy knew this news beforehand. Apparently, Selwyn sent out an email to her about my departure.
Well well well...this has got nothing to do with me, huh? Yes, it's none of my business.
They cut Grace. She was sobbing loudly, uncontrollably. She is not aware of anything at all. Haiz... How could they be so cruel. G is totally by-goner. Drop glasses man. Totally.
Anyway, I shall reward myself with KFC. And wait for my flight tomorrow morning!
I was light-footed to work today. I am all aware that game is over. I am all aware too that I am in a crisis. Mid-life crisis, a very early one.
I was deeply scorned, but in some way there is peace. I am moving away from a dark cloud to thunder storm. How am I going to find a job within a month.
I replied to G's email immediately this morning. Yes, option 2. Never option 1, no more chance for any engagement with Team S. Heck, Selwyn seems not aware that there is a milestone tomorrow, and this is going to f big, if he didn't manage to load things up to client.
And so, this morning, I had a chatty conversation with Jan. I must really thank her for the company. It is not easy to pull through this, especially the team is against you.
Lucky star, oh lucky star. There you are. At 11.30am, a job offer came in to my mailbox, but there is a catch, it has yet to be approved by their management. Immediately, my entire body just slumped on the sofa. For a moment, I'm back to the normal me. Relaxed.
At lunch, Jan asked me to join her, and to talk about it. I shared with her the new job as well the incident yesterday night. I am certainly grateful that there is someone that stands on myside. Yesterday, Alan became not so responsive when I told him that I may need his help (financially), again. Jan on the other hand, is very supportive. She gave me plenty of advises, told me several times not to think too much. Yes, I think a lot! She tried to talk to me about Hong Kong. Focus on the happy part, and not to worry too much. So far, I've not met any person that can fully understand someone who is independent, detached from family life, and living all by himself. I think she can feel what is running through my head, and the rough emotions all over me. She even asked me to go for a run. Yes, I should!